Treadmill While Drunk! (Opinion)

drunk treadmillingDrinking before exercising? Really?

You’ve heard of watching TV while running on a treadmill, using your computer while running on a treadmill, and any number of other things designed to make you more productive, and less bored, while getting in shape.  Consider a different tack; what about, instead of trying to get more done, simply trying to enjoy it more?  What a concept!

Let’s suppose you like a drink once in a while. When you are drinking, you are probably not getting much accomplished other than enjoying yourself, right?  Why would you have to accomplish anything?  That would detract from the experience, right?  Why should running on a treadmill be any different?  Suppose further that you actually loosen up a bit after you’ve had your drink.  For many people, that means doing things they would otherwise not do, such as approaching attractive strangers or jumping up and down on top of cars.  Now, of course, no one is suggesting actually expressing yourself, but you can channel that loosened-up energy into your exercise program!  That’s right, drink and get fit!

Alcohol in appropriate doses has actually been shown to extend lifespan, though that fact is always quickly hushed by strong warnings against overindulging.  The good thing about mixing drinking and treadmills is that it is impossible to overindulge.  The correct dose makes the runner feel enthusiastic and energetic.  An overdose induces dizziness and vomiting.  Even getting to that point, though, is unlikely.  A small dose before exercise, say one drink, gives most people sufficient get up and go to get up and keep going.  It is difficult to actually drink continually while running.  The jarring of running just makes it too much effort to find your mouth and transfer the juice.  If you are running, for, say, half an hour, by the time you are done, you will likely be “coming down” from the first drink, and feel so good otherwise, that you are unlikely to even want another one. How many other things can you do while drinking that are both fun and good exercise?  It is legal, moral, and healthy. 

You Got a Problem with That?

Afraid this might make you an alcoholic?  Try wine tasting while running on your treadmill.  Wine tasters are immune from criticism. The extra aeration of the wine in your mouth caused by your deep breathing will enhance your perception of the flavors in the wine. This can result in development of superior wine tasting skills.  For example, you may develop the ability describe a wine as “bouncy,” that is, hitting the roof of your mouth.  Or perhaps the wine is “salty,” as perspiration wets your lips.

There are certainly limitations to the idea of mixing treadmills with recreational drugs. Anyone who has tried marijuana knows that smoking it will actually cause something to occur in your brain to prevent you from exercising.  The same could be said of many other psychoactive drugs.  Certainly, amphetamines (speed) could enhance your workouts, but the physical and legal aftereffects are just too severe to even consider this option.

Alcohol is the performance-enhancing drug of choice for the home treadmill user.  Lest your family or friends look askance at your newly-smiley outlook, most treadmills now come equipped with cup holders that are perfect for holding and disguising your new best friend.  It will be just your little secret.

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